The Darkness No One Saw: A Mother's Story of Postpartum Rage

At 31 years old, Kayla Strehlow is a mom of two, a dental assistant, and someone who has an amazing partner. At 28, she was excited to welcome her second daughter and imagined what life would look like as a family of four. But her experience of becoming a mother for the second time was nothing like she had expected.

At 26 weeks and a few days into her pregnancy, Kayla had a few high blood pressure readings. She went to the hospital on a Saturday morning, not knowing just how much her life was about to change. She vividly remembers the words her doctor told her, "I'm sorry, you're not leaving until you have a baby.” She was then flown to Avera Mckennan in Sioux Falls.

Her pregnancy had become complicated by preeclampsia, and she was struggling. She remembers being ready to get her daughter out because she wanted her own body to get better. She had even told the doctor that if it came down to it, they should save her instead of the baby. She was struggling with the thought of her other daughter growing up without her and feeling guilty about what that could mean for her.

When her daughter was born at just 27 weeks, everything changed.

The Reality of a NICU Journey

One of the hardest parts of Kayla's experience was not getting to hold her baby right away. She didn't get to experience that golden hour. Instead, she watched her baby get taken away immediately after birth and went three days before she was able to hold her in her arms.

Leaving the hospital without her baby was another experience she will never forget. Her daughter stayed at the hospital while she went home, an hour away. She remembers bawling the entire way home.

Emotionally, she felt disconnected. The social workers told her she was handling things well, and on the outside, she was smiling. But inside, she felt nothing.

When asked how she navigated the uncertainty, fear, and stress of those early days and weeks, Kayla wasn't sure how she did it. She just did. She took things day by day.

She was only off work for five and a half weeks before having to return. On top of everything happening with her daughter in the NICU, she was also dealing with postpartum blood clots and a retained placenta. She eventually had to have a hysterectomy just a few weeks before her daughter was set to come home.

She felt like she had to be strong for herself and everybody else.

What people on the outside might not understand is how much a NICU experience changes the entire postpartum journey. Kayla wishes people understood that going through the NICU is not a normal part of pregnancy, birth, or becoming a mom.

People saw her in the driver's seat and assumed she had everything together, but she didn't. There was an expectation that she would return to work and function like the same employee she had always been, when all she wanted was to be in the NICU with her daughter.

She was trying to navigate life between her two children while carrying the emotional weight of not knowing what each day would bring.

Every time the phone rang and she saw her doctor's name, her heart stopped. It could mean, "It's a great day!" Or it could mean, "She's had a bad day, she had a spell, and she's going backwards." She never knew what the call would bring.

Because she was at work, she often took those calls by herself.

Until you go through it, Kayla says, nobody understands the depth of it or how dark it can get.

When Postpartum Rage Took Over

When Kayla's daughter finally came home, she expected to settle into life as a family of four. Instead, she found herself navigating the transition from one child to two while also caring for a medically complex baby.

The first four weeks were okay while she was off work. But once she returned to work, things started to set in.

She describes her postpartum rage as darkness. She felt like she didn't have a soul. She was angry all the time and found herself lashing out at her oldest daughter in ways that were completely unlike her.

She had always been a patient person, but suddenly, she had no patience.

She remembers feeling things she never thought she would feel as a mother. She understood why some moms said they felt like they wanted to harm their children because she had experienced those feelings herself.

There were moments when her anger became physical. She remembers hitting a hole in her daughter's bedroom wall from smacking the door open and breaking a broom into pieces in her garage. There were many instances like these, but she can't even remember most of them.

A major trigger was the struggle to get her youngest daughter, Ellee, to eat.

Ellee had been born at a low birth weight, and doctors continually stressed that she needed to take a certain amount of calories. But getting her to eat was a struggle. She would wake up in the middle of the night, refuse to eat, and leave Kayla exhausted from the lack of sleep.

Kayla also struggled with emetophobia, the fear of puking, and Ellee was constantly throwing up after eating. That added another layer of stress. Sometimes she wasn't interested in eating at all, and other times she would eat only to throw it back up. This continiously added more stress to her, which in turn made the postpartum rage worse.

Kayla knew something was happening because she wasn't normally an angry person. She had triggers like everyone else, but the level of anger she was experiencing was completely different from anything she had known before.

It made her feel like a terrible mom. She knew she wasn't an angry person, but she was lashing out at both of her children, had no patience, and wasn't being the mom she wanted to be.

Guilt and shame were constant. Guilt was the biggest feeling of all, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't stop the anger. It was always stronger than what she was capable of putting away in her mind.

The darkness and feeling unsupported ultimately contributed to her decision to file for divorce from her husband because of what she was experiencing with her postpartum mental health.

The Connection Between NICU Trauma and Postpartum Mental Health

Looking back, Kayla believes the stress and trauma of her daughter's premature birth and NICU stay definitely played a role in her postpartum mental health. However, she also recognizes that she doesn't know what her experience would have looked like if her daughter had been born full term, so she can't say for certain that the NICU experience was the reason she developed postpartum rage.

For a long time, she was focused on simply getting through each day. She isn't sure when she actually began processing everything that had happened, but she believes it probably didn't start until her daughter was doing better, around a year and a half old.

There was also an expectation, both from herself and others, that she should feel grateful because her daughter had survived. She remembers all the times she tried talking to people about what she was experiencing and they would say, "Yah, but at least Ellee is here and alive!" It wasn't until her daughter was doing better that Kayla realized two things could coexist. She could feel grateful that her daughter was alive while also acknowledging that everything she had gone through had been incredibly difficult.

She hadn't expected such a massive postpartum hormone drop. After her first daughter, postpartum had felt blissful, and she thought this experience would be similar. She was excited to have two girls. Her oldest daughter had been excited to help care for and feed her little sister, but she couldn't.

It took away so much of what Kayla had imagined postpartum and motherhood with two children would look like. It also took away her oldest daughter's experience of becoming a big sister in the way they had all expected, and that was incredibly hard for her.

Finding Support and Beginning to Heal

Kayla felt comfortable talking to her hypnotherapist, Rebecca, and her best friend about what she was experiencing. However, she never really went into how bad things had gotten with her husband.

She didn't feel comfortable talking to him about it, but he began to recognize that something was wrong. After noticing the broken broom, he started putting the pieces together and contacted her doctor for help.

Kayla eventually worked with Rebecca through hypnotherapy and was also prescribed medication for depression and anxiety after her husband reached out to her provider.

She credits hypnotherapy, The Enlightened Mama meditation course, and her mom as sources of support during that time. But if she were being completely honest, she leaned mostly on herself. She felt like she was the only one who could get herself out of it.

Today, she understands her postpartum rage differently than she did while she was experiencing it. She believes it was completely out of her hands and describes it as the crash of her hormones times ten. She had experienced a twin pregnancy, where one twin passed early into pregnancy, and it was something her mind couldn't process.

She stayed in freeze mode. She would feel intense rage and anger, then feel guilty for those emotions, while also feeling happy and grateful that her daughter was here.

Understanding that those feelings could exist together has been an important part of how she views her experience now.

She has also noticed changes in herself as a mother. When she starts to feel overwhelmed, she is better able to catch herself before things get too bad. She is more self-aware because she has experienced such extreme highs and lows. She has also gained her patience back, and then some.

Why Postpartum Rage Needs to Be Talked About

Kayla believes postpartum rage isn't talked about as openly as other postpartum mental health symptoms because it is embarrassing for most.

Moms don't want to openly admit that they have thoughts of harming their babies because they fear being shamed or having CPS called. Deep down, they know they aren't supposed to feel that way, but they can't simply make the feelings disappear no matter how hard they try.

During the thick of it, Kayla was afraid her daughter would be taken away. She knew that would have made everything worse, and she believes that fear is a huge reason people don't talk about postpartum rage enough.

She also wants people to understand that moms don't choose to experience these feelings. It's your brain, your hormones, and the drop. She didn't go out and choose this. It just happens.

When asked what she would say to a mom who feels ashamed of her anger and is afraid to tell anyone, Kayla admits that telling someone not to be ashamed might not make the shame disappear. She knows shame will always be there.

Instead, she encourages moms to find a safe space and someone they can talk to, even if that person needs to be a stranger to take away the fear of judgment. She would be willing to listen to anyone who needed someone, her inbox is always open.

She also encourages moms to talk to their healthcare providers, especially if they are experiencing thoughts of harming their children, because those thoughts can be scary.

Kayla also believes healthcare providers could do more to make mothers feel comfortable opening up. While providers do ask questions about emotional well-being, she feels like they often hand mothers a piece of paper and tell them to fill it out.

Finding a provider who truly cares about their patients can be difficult. She believes having a good relationship with your provider goes a long way and wishes providers would take the time to personally interview mothers rather than relying only on paperwork.

When it comes to NICU support, Kayla does want to acknowledge the positive experience she had at Avera McKennan. She had social workers, doctors, nurses, and volunteers who genuinely cared. There were several people who came in, sat with her, listened, and made her feel supported. She describes her NICU experience as five-star and says the hospital did a fantastic job.

A Message to Moms Who Are Struggling

If there is one thing Kayla wants another mom to take away from her story, it is that her feelings can coexist.

You can feel anger and happiness at the same time. You can feel grateful that you have your child while also feeling angry about everything you have experienced.

Don't feel ashamed. It isn't who you are or who you want to be. It doesn't define you. It just happens.

And perhaps most importantly, reach out sooner rather than later. Don't keep telling yourself things are going to get better when they are clearly getting worse or could continue to get worse.

Kayla's story is a reminder that motherhood doesn't always look the way we imagined it would. A mother can be grateful for her child's survival and still be struggling. She can love her children deeply and still experience anger she doesn't understand. And she can be smiling on the outside while feeling completely disconnected on the inside.

Those experiences deserve to be heard, understood, and met with support rather than shame.